Thesea coniunx clara progenies Iovis ,
nefanda casto pectoris exturba ocius,
Extingue flammas neve te dirae spei
Praebe obsequentem: quisquis in primo obstitit
Pepulitque amorem, tutus ac victor fuit;
Qui blandiendo dulce nutriuit malum,
sero recusat ferre quod subiit iugum
Nec me fugit, quam durus et veri insolens
ad recta flecti regius nolit tumor.
Quemcumque dederit exitum casus feram:
Fortem facit vicina libertas senem.
Honesta primum est velle nec labi via,
Dolor est secundus nosse peccandi modum.
Quo, misera, pergis? Quid domum infamem aggravas
Superasque matrem? Maius est monstro nefas:
Nam monstra fato, moribus scelera imputes.
infamem
Quo, misera, pergis? Quid domum infamam aggravas
est
superosque matrem? Maius in monstra nefas:
nam monstra fato, moribus scelera imputes.
Quo, misera, pergis? Quid domum infamem aggravas
superosque matrem? Maius est monstro nefas:
Thesea coniunx clara progenies Iovis,
nefanda casto pectore exturbat ocius,
Extingue flammas neve te dirae spei
praebe obsequentem: quisquis in primo obstitit.
Pepulitque amorem, tutus ac victor fuit
qui blandiendos dulce nutriuit malum,
sero recusat ferre quod subiit iugum
nec me fugit, quam durus et veri insolens
ad recta flecti regius nolit tumor.
Quemcumque dederit exitum casus feram:
Fortem facit vicina libertas senem
Honesta primum est velle nec labi via
Pudor est secundus nosse peccandi modum:
Quo, misera, pergis? Quid domum infames aggravas
superosque matrem? Maius et monstro nefas:
Nam monstra fero, moribus scelera imputes.
3.03.2009
2.09.2009
I don't want to!
I'm tired.
I'm tired of this.
I'm tired of this mess, this place, with constant fluctuations and breaking relations, childish games sputtering flames. Love, hatred, anger, fear, joy, peace. Annoyance.
Call me homesick.
Call me what you will.
I want my family. I want my room. I want to be able to talk to people about anything without getting angry at them. I want to go to school somewhere where I don't live. It's a constant school environment here, and I'm tired of it.
I
want
OUT.
It's cruel, to get a brief taste of freedom and then come back to this cage in which they have us locked. This trap of homogeneity, with everyone saying the same things the same way wearing the same clothes and all the same age. I want children around me, I want people over the age of 30 with whom I can have a casual conversation.
I'd like a casual conversation. You know, one where I can say stupid shit without getting attacked for screwing up. Something with a common interest, like, I don't know, anime. Or animals. Books. I'm tired of having to prove myself just to not seem like an idiot. I'm tired of having my opinion contested every time I voice it. I'm tired of agreeing with everybody because they say the most obvious, boring things. "Fine weather today." Well of course I'm going to goddamn agree with you, because it's true! Which is the point of weather talk, isn't it. What if I say, "no, it sucks. I really wish it was fucking -20 and sleeting." Then what? You'd think I was a moron. Give me a chance here. And then I fall into the same habit of finding absolutely nothing to comment on except idiotic, trivial things like the weather. Or complaining, because you can't contest that, especially if it's something you haven't experienced.
I'd like to go fly a kite, too, but there's no chance of that.
In other words, I miss you Sam. I'm tired of this bullshit that they call college where they either talk to you if they like you and you seem "intellectual" and "forward-thinking" enough for them to waste their time with, or they talk to you, don't like you, and as soon as you leave they discuss how annoying or stupid you are.
There is no basis for this. I'm just cranky.
I'm tired of this.
I'm tired of this mess, this place, with constant fluctuations and breaking relations, childish games sputtering flames. Love, hatred, anger, fear, joy, peace. Annoyance.
Call me homesick.
Call me what you will.
I want my family. I want my room. I want to be able to talk to people about anything without getting angry at them. I want to go to school somewhere where I don't live. It's a constant school environment here, and I'm tired of it.
I
want
OUT.
It's cruel, to get a brief taste of freedom and then come back to this cage in which they have us locked. This trap of homogeneity, with everyone saying the same things the same way wearing the same clothes and all the same age. I want children around me, I want people over the age of 30 with whom I can have a casual conversation.
I'd like a casual conversation. You know, one where I can say stupid shit without getting attacked for screwing up. Something with a common interest, like, I don't know, anime. Or animals. Books. I'm tired of having to prove myself just to not seem like an idiot. I'm tired of having my opinion contested every time I voice it. I'm tired of agreeing with everybody because they say the most obvious, boring things. "Fine weather today." Well of course I'm going to goddamn agree with you, because it's true! Which is the point of weather talk, isn't it. What if I say, "no, it sucks. I really wish it was fucking -20 and sleeting." Then what? You'd think I was a moron. Give me a chance here. And then I fall into the same habit of finding absolutely nothing to comment on except idiotic, trivial things like the weather. Or complaining, because you can't contest that, especially if it's something you haven't experienced.
I'd like to go fly a kite, too, but there's no chance of that.
In other words, I miss you Sam. I'm tired of this bullshit that they call college where they either talk to you if they like you and you seem "intellectual" and "forward-thinking" enough for them to waste their time with, or they talk to you, don't like you, and as soon as you leave they discuss how annoying or stupid you are.
There is no basis for this. I'm just cranky.
1.13.2009
Howling
I howl with anguish as every word I speak rips into you like a knife.
I break with every tear shed.
Don't worry. I still love you.
I break with every tear shed.
Don't worry. I still love you.
12.08.2008
Sundry journal entries
Some journal entry excerpts I found and liked. Enjoy. Sorry if they're a bit depressing, I was really shot for almost half a year.
They're all true.
2/12/08
I snarled, my stomach curling in anger. Swirling emotions whirled through my head, driving away all sanity. My back was hunched and my eyes glinted as fury took over me, broke me. I wanted to strike out, to rip, tear, rend, break, smash, destroy. I wanted to sink my teeth into an orange peel, feel the slight pressure of the rind press back and the sheer triumph as it broke beneath my fangs.
My teeth clenched as I started to breathe more heavily, livid. Bruxism, a voice in my head defined. I tried to shut it out, grinding my canines so they would sharpen. I was trembling with fury. Just shut up for once, would you?
Denial, the voice said. Insanity. Madness, obsession, lust, greed, want, jealousy, anger, self-doubt. Deadly sins, many of them.
I don't care.
Love? I think not.
1/19/08
Nights are the worst. Nights, the dreams I once longed for, to end the dreary evening, spend the interminable night, just to see him, be with him again, my salvation. My demise. Nights provide no distractions, let my aching mind produce heartbreaking dreams which turn into memories of times never to be had again. My wits escape me during the night, leaving me vulnerable to any errant reminisce that wanders through. Nights. They are endless, torturous.
(skipping a lot... I just like this next bit)
I am under constant surveillance, unable to betray even the slightest emotion for fear it will bring hatred against the one I love.
( Oh, good times.)
1/30/08
When you spend your life screaming, how will you hear the bells?
2/13/08
I feel sick.
It will have been a month of torture on Sunday. One month. I didn't think it was mentally possible to take this kind of self-abuse. And I wonder - how does the rest of the world see me? Does my mask fit? Moaning in terror, fear, anger, & depression. It's a wonder I haven't broken anything.
2/28/08
Not that I would ever admit this out loud, but I am a little nervous about tomorrow. I feel like a Roman gladiatorial slave, knowing that tomorrow she will be thrown to the lions with no defense. And yet, there is that glimmer of cruel hope, dangling tantalizingly.
I fear nothing. Nothing. I've never experienced it, true terror, so it is not in my emotional vocabulary. Detached calmness is usually my response.
4/2/08
I don't remember how I passed off that empty void as a life.
How did I live?
I don't remember at all.
I've...
I've lost myself. What is wrong with me? I honestly can't remember how I lived...
...
......
I'm not myself anymore. Was I ever? I'm but a collection of thoughts from other people.
Who am I now?
They're all true.
2/12/08
I snarled, my stomach curling in anger. Swirling emotions whirled through my head, driving away all sanity. My back was hunched and my eyes glinted as fury took over me, broke me. I wanted to strike out, to rip, tear, rend, break, smash, destroy. I wanted to sink my teeth into an orange peel, feel the slight pressure of the rind press back and the sheer triumph as it broke beneath my fangs.
My teeth clenched as I started to breathe more heavily, livid. Bruxism, a voice in my head defined. I tried to shut it out, grinding my canines so they would sharpen. I was trembling with fury. Just shut up for once, would you?
Denial, the voice said. Insanity. Madness, obsession, lust, greed, want, jealousy, anger, self-doubt. Deadly sins, many of them.
I don't care.
Love? I think not.
1/19/08
Nights are the worst. Nights, the dreams I once longed for, to end the dreary evening, spend the interminable night, just to see him, be with him again, my salvation. My demise. Nights provide no distractions, let my aching mind produce heartbreaking dreams which turn into memories of times never to be had again. My wits escape me during the night, leaving me vulnerable to any errant reminisce that wanders through. Nights. They are endless, torturous.
(skipping a lot... I just like this next bit)
I am under constant surveillance, unable to betray even the slightest emotion for fear it will bring hatred against the one I love.
( Oh, good times.)
1/30/08
When you spend your life screaming, how will you hear the bells?
2/13/08
I feel sick.
It will have been a month of torture on Sunday. One month. I didn't think it was mentally possible to take this kind of self-abuse. And I wonder - how does the rest of the world see me? Does my mask fit? Moaning in terror, fear, anger, & depression. It's a wonder I haven't broken anything.
2/28/08
Not that I would ever admit this out loud, but I am a little nervous about tomorrow. I feel like a Roman gladiatorial slave, knowing that tomorrow she will be thrown to the lions with no defense. And yet, there is that glimmer of cruel hope, dangling tantalizingly.
I fear nothing. Nothing. I've never experienced it, true terror, so it is not in my emotional vocabulary. Detached calmness is usually my response.
4/2/08
I don't remember how I passed off that empty void as a life.
How did I live?
I don't remember at all.
I've...
I've lost myself. What is wrong with me? I honestly can't remember how I lived...
...
......
I'm not myself anymore. Was I ever? I'm but a collection of thoughts from other people.
Who am I now?
11.29.2008
I'm sick and tired
of all this crap. I feel fettered, chained to a life I am barely a part of. I can't think anymore! I'm never myself!
What in the seven hells is wrong with me?!
I don't know myself anymore. I don't know how others perceive me, nor do I know how I act. Self-consciousness hasn't been an issue since eighth grade, and now I get to college and I'm thrown back into a world of confusion. At least in eighth grade I felt a little intelligent. At least I had confidence in my academics. Now... it feels like everything I do fails. Miserably.
In all honesty? It is very degrading and very difficult to cope with. My ego was the only thing I had left, and now it has been torn to shreds.
What in the seven hells is wrong with me?!
I don't know myself anymore. I don't know how others perceive me, nor do I know how I act. Self-consciousness hasn't been an issue since eighth grade, and now I get to college and I'm thrown back into a world of confusion. At least in eighth grade I felt a little intelligent. At least I had confidence in my academics. Now... it feels like everything I do fails. Miserably.
In all honesty? It is very degrading and very difficult to cope with. My ego was the only thing I had left, and now it has been torn to shreds.
11.19.2008
Corrected Vision
I stare out through a filmy lens sutured by water to my very eye. A bent plasmoid forcing my retinas to see against their will, to focus on the world around them. My stretched, useless eyes, made "correct" by a man-made object.
However...
I shut one eye and the world shifts, moving slightly to one side, becoming a blur. I shut the other and the earth shifts again, blurring even more.
Oh, physics, how I love thee!
However...
I shut one eye and the world shifts, moving slightly to one side, becoming a blur. I shut the other and the earth shifts again, blurring even more.
Oh, physics, how I love thee!
11.18.2008
Mexico
I'm homesick.
I'm homesick for a place I have never fully been a resident of: Mexico City.
You step out onto the street, hand clutching a patterned kitchen towel, and your nose is met by a barrage of scents: dog excrement and car exhaust, mostly. The metal door clangs shut behind you and you walk, admiring the walls hiding homes behind bars, splashes of color in what would be a grey city. Turn a corner, then another, and you see it: the tortilla shop, an opening in one of the walls forming a counter at the corner, a smiling man making the dough just out of reach next to the tortilla-flattening machine. You ask him for some amount: "Quarenta tortillas, por favor señor?" He grins and puts the dough through the top of the machine. Forty tortillas come out, steaming, like paper from a printer. You put them in the towel and snag one off the top, a smooth warm tortilla, and salt it with the salt he provides on the side of the counter. You pay the man and walk away quickly, clutching the towel of tortillas to your chest to keep them warm and to savor the heat coming off of them, a heat like the heat of a lover pressed against you, a heat of life, of food, of the promise that these simple tortillas will bring people together in the ceremony of consumption.
Zocalo. The word itself means town square, or plaza. And that is exactly what it is, only so much more.
The first thing you are greeted by is the enormous Mexican flag waving proudly in the dead center of the world's second-largest square. Red, white and green pronounce themselves against the blue sky, the brown eagle clutching the snake in a deathgrip. And the people! Hundreds of people mill about, dancers wearing feathered headdresses and shells around their ankles, wielding smoking incense, tourists meandering through, admiring the cathedral and the capitol buildings, children chasing pigeons, merchants selling balls with tinsel on the end and small plastic birds that whistle when blown through, musicians playing every type of traditional music you can find.
Every hour, the bells toll. The pigeons fly up en masse and then settle back, disgruntled.
My writing spirit has died right now. Maybe I'll write more later.
I'm homesick for a place I have never fully been a resident of: Mexico City.
You step out onto the street, hand clutching a patterned kitchen towel, and your nose is met by a barrage of scents: dog excrement and car exhaust, mostly. The metal door clangs shut behind you and you walk, admiring the walls hiding homes behind bars, splashes of color in what would be a grey city. Turn a corner, then another, and you see it: the tortilla shop, an opening in one of the walls forming a counter at the corner, a smiling man making the dough just out of reach next to the tortilla-flattening machine. You ask him for some amount: "Quarenta tortillas, por favor señor?" He grins and puts the dough through the top of the machine. Forty tortillas come out, steaming, like paper from a printer. You put them in the towel and snag one off the top, a smooth warm tortilla, and salt it with the salt he provides on the side of the counter. You pay the man and walk away quickly, clutching the towel of tortillas to your chest to keep them warm and to savor the heat coming off of them, a heat like the heat of a lover pressed against you, a heat of life, of food, of the promise that these simple tortillas will bring people together in the ceremony of consumption.
Zocalo. The word itself means town square, or plaza. And that is exactly what it is, only so much more.
The first thing you are greeted by is the enormous Mexican flag waving proudly in the dead center of the world's second-largest square. Red, white and green pronounce themselves against the blue sky, the brown eagle clutching the snake in a deathgrip. And the people! Hundreds of people mill about, dancers wearing feathered headdresses and shells around their ankles, wielding smoking incense, tourists meandering through, admiring the cathedral and the capitol buildings, children chasing pigeons, merchants selling balls with tinsel on the end and small plastic birds that whistle when blown through, musicians playing every type of traditional music you can find.
Every hour, the bells toll. The pigeons fly up en masse and then settle back, disgruntled.
My writing spirit has died right now. Maybe I'll write more later.
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